Monday, May 20, 2013

In Love or out of it...

You do not really want me to love you. When I love, I bother! I will want to share my ideas with you and get you gifts and memorize dates you do not even care about... I will express, show and sometimes even embarrass you (and probably myself too in the process). I do not want to bother and I worry a lot but I kind of don't know any other way... Terrible, horrible and all you wish to insert of annoying words is my love. 
When I love, I love! And today I was wondering a lot about it and I was not sure if I really wanted to think about it because it somehow hurts, it really really hurts... There is an intensity in love that is so powerful, so... Intense. An incomparable joy with such an incomparable fear... A paradoxical couple...
And then, a very lovely friend of mine sends me the too well known quote  from "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis, the one that talks about the vulnerability of loving. Too much of a coincidence on a day like that... or not really. In the shower this morning I took the most brilliant decision (or I thought it was) that no more, no really no more of me opening my heart to any, any kind of love! Today I will be quiet, I will focus on my stuff and not mind anyone or anything I thought! But as soon as I got out it failed (I saw my dear mum!). But the idea of wanting to be reluctant was stuck with me... I wished I was able to retain it, contain it, just stop myself... My mind kept pressing my heart to accept this but my heart kept saying  "leave me in peace!" "I was made to love, love Him and love his creation". Like soda bubbles my heart did not want to be still... oh but this is foolishness said my brain... and perhaps it is... but then there is this choice I have to make everyday, will I be in Love or out of it and if God is love... Will I be in God or out of Him... Will I be broken to give Him a way to heal me or stay an unbreakable stone away from any possible way for His Spirit to comfort. Today I made my choice!

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