I have been having trouble to sleep these couple of days therefore you get the fruit of my sleeplessness- an old memory, a timeless ramble!
I have realized that at the last breath, when you have given everything you could give for someone or a cause, and the doors get slammed in your face and you feel utterly destroyed, your heart feels shredded and perhaps your dignity lost or at least in your mind your image fails to meet the standard you have set for yourself or they have set for you, when your blood wants to stop running and you just want the world the pause... It is when you feel you have no more choices but to resign... I have realized that it is then that you have all the choices... It is then that the eternal choice "today choose between life or death" is offered to you on a silver tray and your decision at that moment will set your life either to destruction or to rise from its pit and sore on wings of eagles...
It is then that you are before the ultimate choice to either choose Him or choose yourself and that choice will matter a matter of life and death!
Hiding our scars is a truly natural thing perhaps. I imagine no one wants to be walking around with stains on their blouses or with with huge birthmarks on their foreheads!
But there they are, and there we are and we have to live with then until we grow accustomed to it, till it reaches the point where they slumbers back in the dark chamber of our mind. We consecrate time to conceal our own imperfection, our hurts, our flaws, sometimes even ourselves... And we walk confidently, with a conviction that these scars are gone, with a conviction that even if it still murmurs at the hour of our sleep, even if it stings occasionally, they are invisible. But they are not, and for a reason.
We fear... We fear we sucked up all God's mercies, and received all His miracles and healing. We fear that if we let show, if we let it be, it will disgust others.
We fear judgement and more ironically we fear His judgement. We are afraid to look like a failure or worse, to be one! And when someone or something sees and discovers us beyond our make-up, beyond our fancy clothing we tremble. And when we are naked before God at these dark hours of the night, we shake... How is it possible... Impossible... In the glorification of the all-mighty-Me, we attribute to self all the achievements of our live, we worship our goals, we daydream our plans one more time, we crown our intelligence... And when we face this piercing eye that saw beyond all these the true us, we shrink and sink... But funny enough, we rise up again rapidly, not to see the truth but to proceed, yet another time, to paint our wounds again and to wear a new mask, to rise up again to a reality, if it deserves to be called that way, where we are in control.
But today there is a call, there is is really this choice, there is a Christ, standing before our eyes, on the edge of our souls, calling us to give him our brush, to shake that fear and return to Him. To get naked, bare, vulnerable... and He whispers, "You have seen nothing my friend and tasted only the appetizers of my table"... "Do you believe I grow tired? Do you believe I grow blind? Do you think I ever forget my own? Was it not me who called all the weary to give me their burden? Was it not me that took your pain once and twice and trice? Was it not me who washed you clean? Was it not me who took up your sins in my body to that shameful cross? Am I not able to carry a scar, a weakness, a deep pain a million time again? I have seen it bleeding and healed it to seal but I can still see its mark and I want it upon my very own heart!, I want it mine and I want you free." And this whisper changes to a firmness one cannot ignore...
"I AM, I am the lamb who was slain, I am the Saviour of the World. I am the truth way and life... And I implore you, If you believe my words and hold on to my promises, to dare once again uncover yourself before my throne, the throne of my Grace!"
Our choice then is what will make all the difference! Because that God who spoke is waiting for our "here I am, I let you in, once again"
And if that scar remains, it lost its power and is only there to remind us of the greatness of the Most Humble Lord- Where, O death, is thy sting? where, O death, thy victory?!