Monday, July 11, 2016

Clavicle: An Apology

Love is too young to know what conscience is; 
Yet who knows not, conscience is born of love? 

Edward Weston - Tina Reciting 1924 ©

I have a very showing clavicle. I did not like it at all. In fact it is the only bone I hated, I am in love with all other bones, I even know the names of the feet ones by heart!! I used to think maybe I was meant to be a Queen in a dry land where I would store the rain in the space between my bone and shoulder and then I would channel water to the thirsty population... I just really wanted to be a queen...
I have a friend in my life that has a very moving sense of beauty. Very real and true. She kept telling me that these bones are a beautiful mark of femininity.... I took her words to be honest but I did not feel they were applied to mine... Mine was more like a bow and my words were the arrows! Time passed and I forgot about the bow that was in my body until the day I truly do not know how it happened but I started to believe my friend! Her love, genuine love, made me conscious of the beauty God created.  

Today I want to apologize to my clavicle. 

Dear Clavicle,
I am sorry. I am truly sorry for the times I doubted your beauty. My heart breaks at the thought that there was a time when I thought you were ugly. I want you to know that it was not personal. I want you to know that this world and all his views are not final. There will be other times where you will be misjudged and hated but know in your morrow that is not your fault. Live boldly as you do now and do not mind the belittling of the brain who wants you to follow other criterias you were not meant to stick to. 
My clavicle, do not be intimidated by those who show off a lot more ability and utility, you just do what you are meant to do and there you will shine. Do not worry if you have no ambitions, but work hard and you will get much further... If you rise above these temptations you will walk proudly among the saints, do not let the burden of the living weigh on you! Offer it up to the one who bears all things for you. 
My bow, be sharp, be ready, be straight to the point but be so in compassion and gentleness. You will be hurt, you will feel the cold wind and the hot sun but remember that neither will harm you for you are sheltered under His wings...
Finally, be not separated from the Body. There is always a desire in each bone to want to sing to her own tune but if you do so, you will die and the rest will fall... You are where you are meant to be so be there fully, be there abundantly!
Much love, 

A - not-so- little- Yellow Cat Service

I visited last week a very beautiful Franciscan Monastery a little bit up in the mountains and wished in the deepest of heart that I was a monk there but then I realized that I was not wishing it for the right reasons so I stopped my wishful thinking before it went to far! 
The monks there had a lot of chicken, a few cows and an ass... For breakfast they asked who wanted to fry some eggs for the rest of us and I decided to show them some true talent in eggs frying... that is you slightly let the butter burn before you crack the egg on it (delicious really!)! Then the head friar (not sure what is the right name for that position) showed us all the cheeses he does with the fresh milk... I was not very impressed honestly but maybe because they are new to the craft! 
The ass did not produce anything of real value beside reminding me that he lives near my room window... 
I was not aware of the presence of any cats there until when a fat cat, one that at the sigh of it, would never make you think that was there by chance , showed up in the middle of our circle outside! Just when I was opening a bag of "langue de chat" biscuits!
I tried to give her one, she came close, smelled it and then looked at me... I was intrigued as to why she did not try it. I tried to give it again to her but she made me feel stupid for trying the same trick twice... I put the biscuit down and tried to pet her and to my surprise, she was very receptive! She wanted more and more! I was very glad and for some reason I decided to give her the little piece of biscuit again and she took it and ate it all in a very cute little way and then meowed an encore!
I was sitting in the circle with younger girls and we were discussing God's love when all this cat thing happened! I know! What a big topic for us to fathom... I always get nervous when I lead such discussion but the cat made me realize two things! First of all that the message I am trying to pass is a very sweet and delicious biscuit, better than honey so I should not really worry there! But secondly, that to be able to deliver any message and for it to be accepted I need to show, in palpable acts, my love to the hearer and that is basically a real call for service! And suddenly I remembered Jesus and the miracles- amazing how slow my brain can be sometimes!!
There were a lot of animals there... I think I missed some other lessons but I am resolved to serve from all my heart all the days of my life till I die!!
Thank you catito! 

Monday, May 16, 2016

Promenade in Green

When I go by Baltimore,
Leave no carpet on the floor.
Come along and follow me.
We'll go down to Galilee. 

Green, green rocky road
Promenade in green
Tell me who ya love,
Tell me who ya love.

No deep thought will follow but very happy happenings will!
I had this song playing in the car (Green, Green Rocky Road) when I saw a woman really wearing green top to bottom passing by! I was very delighted! I was smiling so big that the cars around me thought I was crazy (rightfully so!). 
I could not stop thinking about how little coincidences can leave one so genuinely pleased till another one happened! and it was green too: The two lovely people I work with were absent today (not a very lovely thing) and work was rather busy, especially for someone who does not multitask like me! I wanted to join the rest for the coffee break but I ended up staying inside dreaming about a good cup of iced coffee (it was very hot today!) when suddenly I see a beautiful lady passing by my window holding in her hand a sweaty and wonderful green logo-ed Starbucks cup! I immediately started plotting how if she gets in I will make her forget it on my desk and I start monologue-ing out my amazing speech that will make her forget the world... no! I sort of guessed that it was one of the doing of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost Monday! And indeed it was for me! Her mindfulness was so touching! A gift in need is a gift indeed (or something like that...)!  I wanted to thank her deeply but I ended up telling her a story! And she was such a gracious listener that I felt that I needed to thank her for that too - I thought oh dear me! I am getting into a thankful spiral- a beautiful thing to fall into! 
All these green happening made me joyful! After all we are in May! In Spring!
 The season to be "twitterpated"!!

Election Stain

Last Sunday I was supposed to be practicing my amazing powerful right of electing my representatives! But the two lists competing for municipal roles (in the far end of the world) got into a sort of agreement that they split the six years duration between them, three each. There was, though another election that I was able to participate in, picking the person who will the official paper work in my far far away village!! The process is rather systematic but it was still very fascinating for someone who have been denied the right to vote for so long! At the end, after putting your choice in a box, you sign and then dip your finger in a sort of ink bottle that keep your thumb stained for almost a week no matter how hard you try to remove it! This got me thinking of  two stains one can get... the stain of sin : I thought I really do not want to joke with that! I mean it can really corrupt! My thumb was truly ugly for a few days! I did not want my soul to be like that not even a little tiny thumb in it! But the second stain that the election ink got me thinking about is the Blood of the Lamb and the name of the Father written on the foreheads  of those who follow Him... It was reassuring to know that the bad stain a sin makes can be removed by Him but trying to remove that little fingertip ink and seeing how hard of a work it was left me realizing how deep the effect of the Lord Blood shed was! Not that I used to take it for granted, I was always in awe at His wonderful work of salvation but sometimes one small thing can make you understand a much deeper truth.... Purifying me was not an easy work and I will do my best, by His grace, not to make Him work more (one can always dream and hope!)... I was so happy my thumb was looking normal again! 

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Closing Doors

The first thought that came to my mind when I started writing this post was: 
A series of unfortunate event... 
After my cake mishap, comes my not very pleasant but fruitful experience with doors... 

I love doors very much so and give them all the due respect! I have never driven with an open door for example and I will never slap a door in your face if you ever visit me! 
Unfortunately, in this life, not everything, treats you the way you treat them! And even though doors usually reciprocate my love, yesterday was not one of these days! 
I was carrying some grocery bags and I thought I opened the door wide enough for me to have time to enter and let it close alone behind me (I guess maybe I am a little at fault, I got so used to automatic sensors that I lost my proper sense of sensing!) but the door was too quick or thought I was faster than I am and it hit me in the back of my foot so so hard that I almost fainted from the pain! It bled a river and got swollen in all the colours of the rainbow (it still looks pathetic today and hurts a lot!)! 
Nonetheless, in this moment of inexplicable pain I had a lucid moment of revelation! 
I have heard before that we should never leave open doors in our lives for the devil and I always wondered, who on earth wants to leave an open door for him! Yesterday I realized that it could be that we closed the door it but we did not make sure it was properly shut leaving him a chance to snap quicker than our will to fight!  I thought too about the fake open doors that we see in our lives because we want to make way when there's obviously none and we go for it but it ends up being a closing one and it hits us hurting us so badly! 
O for a gentler way to learn...
But it was a opportune time for me to learn from my pain! I will be searching this season for any fake open doors in my life and make sure I properly close them!

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

My 100th Post: Eternally Finite and Infinite Eternity

I have been thinking for quite a while about what can I possibly write about for my hundredth post (woohoo!). As usual, whenever I think about something it never comes and when I stop thinking it just pops up (Nature is begging me to stop my useless thinking I guess...)! Hence comes the post number one hundred on a bitter-sweet tone as it should be for such a celebration!

Morn with me if you may!
Yesterday I spend about three hours preparing a cake for a friend before Lent as a little token of my love to her... It was done, beautiful and smelling a heavenly smell. While waiting for it to cool a bit before I transfer it to his  pretty box home I made for him,  he fell, broke into a million piece and died. I was crushed with it! I shed a couple of very warm tears (I realized that you might think that my life is a hyperbole but I promise it is not as melodramatic as it sounds!!):

Some broken things may never be whole again
Some lost things may never be found
Some dead thing may never come to life again
Some old things may never be renewed
Some pasts may never be present again
And that is really okay!

At the same time, while something in my heart ached something in my mind reminded me to be thankful in all circumstances. Something in my heart ached not only for the cake but for all lost things in my life, all lost things around me... I started to think about all those bakers who might have lost loaves of bread that would have fed their family and something in my head prompted me to say a prayer for them... And suddenly my dead cake rose in as a sweet offering for all those who are suffering loss, whatever kind it may have been, in their lives... Suddenly, truly, the poems and verses I read in my life about phoenixes rising from aches or beauty from pain or waters in the deserts came back to my mind so vividly bringing another dimension, a human dimension to my little cake... 

Rejoice with me, you must!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
 you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.
Psalm 31:11

My broken life was made whole in Him
My lost life was found in Him
I was revived
I was renewed
I was living an eternal infinity in a finite moment 
and that is really the point!

Happy 100th to me! 
*Confetti and balloons*

Friday, September 18, 2015


A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench. (Isaiah 42:3)

9 November

Drawing is mine

I have been standing where everyone has stood, on the top of the Cedars Mountain in Lebanon and thinking, as everyone has thought (though not, perhaps, said), that it was created in defiance of all imaginations. Such beauty, such wonder, such power, such greatness! It belittles not, it lifts up.
I have been standing there and my mind was drinking the wine of quietness and swimming in the ocean of possibilities. Evening was coming on and in the light of it all the colours so simple and yet so subtle seemed to fit together and make it perfect to tell a story. My story.
It was in November. The ninth maybe, or maybe a day or two earlier… date are so unimportant that we give them so much space in our lives; do you think about breathing?The air was so crisp, you could almost catch it in your whole body, as if in anticipation.I was sitting on the wooden bench in the old cathedral, surrounded by the smell of the burning incense and the glow of the candles. I have been waiting, and the waiting time my brothers is the hardest time of all! But out of hardship, as you have often heard, grows the most splendid of things: the purest, the simplest, the best.One can enjoy obscurity as easily as light. It is in the warmth of the womb that a baby is formed and in the depth of earth that a seed is buried.
I was waiting for her but she never came. Chanting filled the place but there was no music in me. My life was shattered before me. I was crushed. I could barely breath and all the bravery in me vanished when the last effort of holding my tears in, failed. 

A measure of love is how often you are willing to lose because of it. I lost everything. I wanted to die but if God omnipotently says, "Thou shalt live," man shall not say, "I will not." The living always has hope and I was not dead yet. My heart was filled with a new hope in the midst of darkness. Hope transfigures even fear. I heard the poet repeating to me his old line, “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may” and so I gathered my strength as one soldier would for the last battle and left the haunting past behind me! I walked towards my car, slowly, gravely, but with steadfastness and for the first time in my life I realized that to love is not to grasp. I set her free. I set the idea of her free, and that was harder. 

As I was walking, with nothing behind me and nothing before me, it started to rain. At other times I would have been annoyed but today I thought it was a blessing. It washed me and I was glad. I was the bird that evaded every net: the wild deer that leaped every pitfall. As the storm was getting stronger, lightening filled the sky in almost an organized orchestra! And to my eyes it seemed as if some sudden vision had been given me! Sing to the Sun, and it will rise! Dance to the wind, aim high, the Highest and you will find your way. Even as the voice spoke the earth rocked beneath my feet! I was stirred and I turned in circles. One idea was pressing on. To start singing… to start dancing… just there in the middle of nowhere… I thought, dear me, I will look like a fool! I will seem like an idiot… but what if I was already a fool, what if the idiots are the smartest. I had to try. I had to do it. When one thought is that strong, it is hard to keep it in. I sang and danced till there was no force left in me and I decided to abandon my car and sleep in the field.

When I woke up, I found myself under a cedar tree and through its young branches sunlight glimmered, green and gold. All the air was full of a sweet mingled scent! I laughed, and the sound was like music, or like water in a dry land; I have not laughed like this in a long time. 

By now, I was ready for my morning coffee. I thought I will take it in one of the small village cafes! It was a perfect day! It is always a perfect day before that imperfect thing happens, obviously. I was looking for my keys but I could not find them! I searched all my pockets, my backpack, everywhere around me, in vain! I knew they were with me last night, I came using my car! Maybe I forgot them in it, I believed. So I walked in the direction where I parked it, wishing that today the rain will spare me, and it seemed like it will. I was not planning on another session of madness! One is enough to set one’s life on the right tracks: Jonah slept in the whale’s stomach and I in the earth’s; his mission was Nineveh, mine was my life. I was ready! 

As I was heading towards my car, I notice the windows down! Oh noes! I shouted! It must be filled with all the waters from last night’s showers! I panicked. I rushed to inspect the damages but to my great surprise, I see someone occupying the back seats! 

I should have warned you that my story was a classic, I should have liked to sound as if it was a novelty but it is not, yet, certainly, for those who love life, nothing is a repetition. Everything is new under the sun for him that is not vain! 

Nevertheless, I will spare you the details and skip to the end… She carries sunshine wherever she goes and I diffuse happiness around me. We met on the ninth of November (she remembers dates). I loved her right away. She took time – to wake up first- but time my brothers is the sweetest challenge of all.

Ode To Joy

Oh friends, not these sounds!
Let us instead strike up more pleasing
and more joyful ones!
Joy, beautiful spark of divinity,
Daughter from Elysium,
We enter, burning with fervour,
heavenly being, your sanctuary!
Your magic brings together
what fashion has sternly divided.
All men shall become brothers,
wherever your gentle wings hover.

Whoever has been lucky enough
to become a friend to a friend,
Whoever has found a beloved wife,
let him join our songs of praise!
Yes, and anyone who can call one soul
his own on this earth!
Any who cannot, let them slink away
from this gathering in tears!

Every creature drinks in joy
at nature's breast;
Good and Bad alike
follow her trail of roses.
She gives us kisses and wine,
a true friend, even in death;
Even the worm was given desire,
and the cherub stands before God.

Gladly, just as His suns hurtle
through the glorious universe,
So you, brothers, should run your course,
joyfully, like a conquering hero.

Be embraced, you millions!
This kiss is for the whole world!
Brothers, above the canopy of stars
must dwell a loving father.
Do you bow down before Him, you millions?
Do you sense your Creator, o world?
Seek Him above the canopy of stars!

He must dwell beyond the stars.

"An die Freude"- Friedrich Schille