There are times when nothing makes sense and times when everything does.
There are times when we deserve every bit of what we are going through and times when we do not. There are times when we understand and times when we are left puzzled, lost, confused.
There are times when we see it coming and times when we are just hit in the face...
And as I realize this and write it down I remember the famous words of Qoheleth: ( Ain't his name so cool? I wonder if my husband will ever let me name my son Qoheleth... who is that dude? He is "presumably" the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes...)... He puts it so eloquently (something I need to learn!! eloquence!)
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
I had a little existential crisis over the weekend that actually continued with me till today. I felt overwhelmed by love. Covered, followed, blended in love, like how milk and coffee blend, how our shadows follow us, how the rain covers us... and all I could think was, ouf, dear me! I do not deserve not one mite of it! I felt so deeply the love of my friends, the love of my family, the love of strangers, the love of community, the love of things (yeah things tend to give love to us in their secret way), the love of God... I thought love will never make sense! Love will never be earned or deserved... or even logical... but there it is in abundance, and despite of who I am or what I do... And tears filled my eyes (they actually physically did at many points of these last couple days...) because I felt so helpless! How can I repay my friends for all that love, how can I repay my family, how can I repay the Lord for loving me with an everlasting love... But really I cannot. Because Love does not function that way... we accept it. As an act of love we do, we accept love gratefully, gracefully!
And like the flow of a river that can never come back to the source, it walks its way and irrigate as it flows... So it is with the love we receive, we give it back with a bit of ourselves, with the fish and the pebbles inside us... and we hope that one day, when it evaporates it will come back the where it started!
And so I wipe my tears (even though I know they will come back because this reality is just so real to grasp!) and I set before my eyes a standard, to love like He loves!
Thank you and I love you! (you being every single of you who have shielded me with their kindess, generosity and love!)